First Place One-Act Play Winner
The One With the Naked Guy
by Merie McCown
(Elevator music fades up softly in a city office interior. There are at least four chairs, a small table with brochures on it, a coat rack, and a secretary’s desk. Karen sits at her desk on her cell phone, completely indifferent to everything that happens around her. She seems all at once oblivious and all-knowing. Miles enters with a business trench coat and dress shoes on.)
Hi, my name is …
(clears his throat)
No, that’s not right… Hi, my name is Miles! No, too much… Hi, my name is Miles. I’m here to interview… I’m here for a job… I’m here to talk to you about… I’m here for a good time not a long time! No, too much. I’m here to interview for the salesman position that you advertised in the paper. Whew, okay. This is my last chance. Here we go…
(He nervously nods to himself, takes off his coat and hangs it on the rack. He is almost completely naked with only a “censorship” black bar to cover himself. He is wearing dress shoes and socks. As Miles finds a seat a homeless man sneaks in, tries the coat on, decides that it looks good on him, and exits. Miles sits down nervously. Greg enters in a business suit and crosses to the chair farthest away from Miles. As he passes Miles, he gives him a strange look and takes a wide berth. Greg sits down while still looking at Miles oddly out of the corner of his eyes. Miles notices Greg and smiles in a friendly manner.)
I see you’re wearing a suit…
(chuckles to himself)
I guess he didn’t read the ad correctly.
(Brian enters in a business suit. As he passes Miles he gives him a strange look and takes a wide berth. He cautiously sits in the chair next to Greg. As he sits down, he is still looking oddly at Miles out of the corner of his eyes. Miles notices Brian and is surprised that he is wearing a suit.)
Oh! You’re – uh – wearing a suit…
Did you read the ad for this job interview?
Why, yes, of course!
(Phillipe enters in a business suit. He’s an outgoing, friendly fellow and stops short when he notices that Miles is naked. Miles waves “hello” nervously.)
Good god, man, where are your clothes?!
I … uh … isn’t this the interview for a bare naked salesman? The ad said there would be open interviews here…
Well, sure it is.
(holds up a brochure for “Bare Naked” Juice)
But they’re looking for a salesman for this “Bare Naked” Juice. I don’t think they intend for their salesman to literally show up naked…
No, no – they said…
(flips frantically through a brochure to find the ad, then reads it aloud)
Bare Naked Salesman. Shock and awe. Strip yourself down to your nutrients. Bare… Naked… Juice…………… Oh my god!
(he jumps up. A building musical note)
Oh my god!
(In reaction to Miles’ nakedness. A second building musical note.)
Oh my god!
(Covers himself with his hands. Two musical notes as the climax.)
(Miles runs to the coat rack. He discovers that his coat is no longer there and frantically searches for it. As he realizes that his coat is gone for good, he makes the quick decision that he must leave immediately. As he begins to exit, he realizes that he can’t go outside like this… he stops in his tracks. A look of wide-eyed terror is on his face. He gulps. He slowly looks at the men calmly seated in their suits and has an idea. Miles begins to frantically search for clothing throughout the room. He arrives at the secretary’s desk and ducks below the corner to hide. This is the first time he notices the woman sitting there. He suddenly discovers her huge purse. Miles excitedly digs through her purse looking for clothing. He pulls out a Fifty Shades of Grey book and tosses it aside. He pulls out a thong and looks at it, alarmed. He then considers using this to cover himself. He holds it up to himself for a beat, seriously considering this as a possibility… He shakes his head, quickly tossing the thong aside. He pulls out a vibrator. He looks at it for a brief moment and then realizes what he’s holding. He hurriedly tosses it aside. He wipes his hands on a nearby towel. Miles pauses mid drying his hands and snaps his head up and out. He quickly grabs the towel and covers himself in relief. He pulls a pink blouse out of the purse. He gets so excited that he jumps up and exclaims, dropping the towel. He immediately checks himself and ducks back down. Waves at Phillipe who shot a quick look his way. Secretary is still on her phone. Miles hurriedly puts the shirt on. The fit and style is comically short and frilly. He buttons it up as well as he can, then shrugs helplessly.)
… Eh!… ahem…
(Greg begins to cough and loosens his tie. Miles has a mischievous light bulb moment and casually crosses behind the row of chairs. He ducks down behind the chairs and positions himself behind Greg. His hands reach up and he wiggles his fingers in preparation. He positions his hands several different ways, trying to figure out the best way to go about stealing a tie. Greg clears his throat and shifts positions to lean forward as he reads a brochure for Bare Naked Juice. Miles retracts his hands in alarm as Greg moves. Miles reaches his hands up between Greg’s arms and his body. Miles slowly loosens the tie. Slowly… slowly… but how to get the tie completely off without him noticing? Miles looks around frantically, without moving, for another idea. A company policy binder is on the secretary’s desk! He sneaks over while on the floor and discreetly takes the binder down. He holds it level and blows a ridiculous amount of dust into the air for Greg to breathe. Miles then positions himself for the act. Here’s the windup… Greg winds up for a sneeze… Suddenly Phillipe sneezes. Brian sneezes. The anticipation! Finally, Greg sneezes and it is intense. Miles swiftly pulls the tie off completely and does a silent dance behind the chairs.)
Okay, Karen, send uh…. Send Greg in.
(Karen waves Greg to exit and he does so. Miles puts on his new tie. He crosses behind Brian and begins to attempt to pull his jacket off, ever so gently. Brian immediately notices and turns around. Miles clears his throat and casually dusts off Brian shoulders as if he were helping him out. Brian averts his attention and Miles goes back to work. He tries multiple angles and ways to remove the jacket without Brian noticing.)
Wow, look at that enormous spider.
(He screams like a little girl and jumps up onto his chair. Everyone looks at him awkwardly. Miles was so startled that he lays sprawled out on the floor. A moment passes. Phillipe remains in panic until the spider has disappeared. He then slowly returns to his seat.)
I, uh, I have this huge, ridiculous fear of spiders… heh, heh, heh…. Uh… ahem.
(Meanwhile, Miles has still been trying to steal the jacket. Nothing is working and he is now panting from the exertion. He fans himself to cool down and then has another idea. He searches the walls until he finds the AC controls. He intensely cranks the heat all the way up and waits. Everyone in the office slowly begins to look uncomfortable. The men loosen their top buttons and shift in their seats. The secretary turns the fan on her desk on without looking or skipping a beat. Miles wipes some sweat off of his brow. Finally, Brian and Phillipe grow so warm that they begin to take off their jackets. Miles does a little victory dance. Phillipe hangs his jacket on the back of his chair. Miles rushes over and gently pulls the coat off the chair to try it on. It doesn’t quite fit just right… So he turns to Brian. Just as it looks like Brian is about to hang the coat on the back of his chair as well and Miles reaches over to grab it, Brian drapes the coat over his lap and leans on it. Miles tries several different angles out to see if he can secretly take the coat from Brian’s lap. Nothing would work. Brian takes a sip of his coffee. Miles rushes around to the front of the chairs and times his action to sit down next to Brian just as he is taking another sip of coffee. Miles nudges the elbow of Brian and he spills coffee all over his shirt.)
Oh, god, I’m so sorry!
WHAT THE Fffffffff- udge!?!?
(He jumps up and tries to wipe of his shirt. His coat falls off his lap and Miles snatches it up and tries it on. A perfect fit! Karen clears her throat menacingly at Brian for his outburst. Greg storms out of the boss’s office and exits.)
(Without looking up she points at Brian and gestures to the office. As Brian stands, he realizes that he no longer has his jacket. He looks around and then notices that Miles is calmly sitting there with his jacket on.)
What the – ?! You… my… but…
(Naked guy looks up and shrugs. Then goes back to drinking Brian’s coffee.)
(Brian begins to shuffle off stage, confused. He shrugs helplessly at the coffee on his shirt. Miles stands and begins to pace behind the chairs. Now all he needs are some pants… He returns to Karen’s desk for inspiration. He finds some tape and scissors. He holds them up as if he’s considering cutting the pants directly off of Phillipe. He shakes his head and places them back on her desk. He paces some more. Suddenly, he notices that the giant spider has returned. Miles is also afraid of spiders. But this may be his only chance… Miles searches for some kind of jar that he can put the spider in. No luck. The spider is about to exit, he has to find something quick! He scrambles to look for any kind of object but can’t find anything! At the last moment he dives and catches the spider in his hands.)
Um, dry cleaning for a Mr… Dusty Bottoms?
(The boy holds a beautiful business suit up, complete with pants. Miles’ head snaps up.)
Oh, my apologies! Geez, I just never get it right…
(Delivery boy exits)
(Miles attempts to run to the door, but trips over himself. He urgently looks up to see if the Delivery Boy is still nearby. No luck. He lowers his head in defeat. He now lays sprawled out on the floor, a few feet away from Phillipe’s feet. He still has this spider in his hands. A moment of indecision as he conflicts with whether to chase the delivery boy or lose the spider forever. He army crawls as quickly as he can to Phillipe’s pant legs. He holds his hands at the base of the pants and releases the spider up the leg. A moment passes. Suddenly, Phillipe’s head snaps up, looking out with wide eyes. He jumps to his feet.)
(As fast as humanly possible, he rips his pants off and sprints out of the office.)
(Miles rushes to the pants and begins to put them on. Midway through, he realizes the spider is still in there and he rips them off to shake them out. Brian storms out of the boss’s office and exits the building in a huff. Miles realizes he’s the only one left and puts the pants on as quickly as he can. Just as he gets them all the way on and stands in a victory pose, the Boss enters. The boss wears dress shoes with only censorship bar(s) covering herself.)
Did no one understand the ad?!?